Pretend
by mapomi
Summary: This story is a work of insight. I'm playing arround with different characters' POV on Alec and Alec's feelings and thoughts. I'm trying to make him justice... How does Alec really feel? Is he really always all right? Does someone really know him?...
1. Alec

**Chapter I. Alec**

There are many reasons for him to leave. To leave and never look back. Sometimes Alec wonders why he is staying anyway, but the fact is he is staying.

Life in Manticore was easier somehow; he didn't need to think about why. He just had to follow orders and to keep his head under the radar that was all. It wasn't pretty, but it was easier in some sick way.

Now he has to pretend too. He has to pretend that he is a regular, all of them have to, and the paranoid about Transgenics that has appeared lately doesn't help much, but he is used to playing that game, to become someone he really isn't, fake name, fake identity, fake background…

He has to pretend that nothing affects him, and that isn't new either. The charade is too familiar to him already. He is not sure if the poker-face he wears has become part of him by now. Somehow it is easier too, to be always alright in front of everybody, everyone but himself. That means no questions, no sharing, no nothing. It means that he's left alone, which is quite ok with him. He is a soldier, a survivor, has learned the hard way to take care of himself, to keep running, to fight, to never give up…. And he knows that if he stops to think, to _**really**_ think about it, he won't be able to start again.

So he keeps going. Living in the moment. Keeping that poker-face on. Not letting himself think or feel too much, because that would be dangerous.

But sometimes, just sometimes, while lying on his bed in the dark, he can't help but wonder…. How it would be to have _**real**_ friends, to be able to connect with somebody and not just use them, how it would be to feel accepted for who he really is.

He has tried to bury those thoughts, those ghosts of desires, as deep inside as he could. He hasn't any other option, couldn't do anything else. So he keeps pretending.

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**AN: **I would like to thank my wonderful beta **FirstBorn** for her titanic work with this story. Any remainding mistake is all mine.


	2. Asha

**Chapter II: Asha**

…_Asha, I want you. Come home with me. _It was the final line of his speech and then she was drunk enough and hopeless enough to buy it. Even when she knew everything was nothing more than a lie.

Well, not exactly that part, Asha believes that those final words were true. Alec really wanted her to go home with him, but not because of her, any woman would do. It was because he was lonely, like her, and he had felt even lonelier seeing Max and Logan finally getting together. True love seems to generate that kind of reaction in lonely souls.

Afterwards she had thought about that night and the conversation they had shared over all those shots and beers and the main thing that came to mind was that he was good with words and playing with people, but not, after all, good enough to blind her.

She knew then that he was playing with her, hooking her, seducing her. Not that she minded at the time. He was handsome, smart, and he had a good body. Right then, it seemed like a good idea to spend the night with him and forget her sadness in his bed.

Later she was glad that none of that happened. Not because they didn't love each other, she had other one-night stands, and wasn't ashamed of it. But to take cold comfort from him would just complicate things and she had enough of that.

He had taken care of her and acted as a friend that night. He let her sleep on his couch and by the time Max woke her up, he had put a blanket over her shoulders. He never pushed her to fulfill their previous understanding and she was grateful to him for that.

That made her think about him in a new light. Not just the smart ass or the good looking man, but as a human being, someone who might become a friend. Someone who she might like to have as a friend.

It was then when she realized that all that self-confidence and all that show was just a façade, something to keep him from really connecting with someone, because he was too afraid to open up.

A few days after that night they met in the Crash again. She had tried to be friends with him, letting him know that she had seen through his performance, but it didn't work out. Maybe she should have been more subtle, less challenging…. He just turned to his whisky and told her to leave him alone.

They might have become friends…. She will never know.


	3. Max: Firsts thoughts

**Chapter III. Max: First Thoughts**

The first time she saw him it was a shock. For just a second, a frozen moment in time before he started to speak, she thought he was Ben. She thought they had brought her brother back somehow and that she had been given a second chance. But he wasn't Ben and she hated him for it.

It was irrational and she knew it, but she couldn't help herself. To see Ben's face on him as a reminder of her failure was too much.

That face of his, Ben's face, which she used to associate with trust, brotherhood, confidence…. It has acquired a completely different meaning with him wearing it and she had hated him for that too.

Almost at the beginning, when he had helped her flee from Manticore, she was tempted to give him a chance and let him become part of her world. He couldn't fill the hole in her heart that Ben had left bleeding, but she would have welcomed him to some new place inside of her. But he had betrayed her in the end, played her, and put Logan in danger through her. He had showed her that he couldn't be trusted and she hated him for that even more.

Afterwards he had forced himself in and he had become a part of her daily life, although she had tried so hard to keep him at distance. He couldn't be trusted, he was selfish and opportunistic, but somehow during that time he had become 'Alec' and not just Ben's clone; which in some way had helped her deal with him and her own memories.

As he became Alec didn't mean she started to like him, she could just barely tolerate him. There were too many things about Alec that irritated her. She couldn't stand his constant showing up, his smart ass comments, his 'act first and think latter' behavior that always seemed to put them in danger, his non-stop talking…. Almost everything about Alec was exasperating her, but still that was Alec and not a reminder of Ben anymore.

She believed for months that he was no more than a dick. Sometimes useful, but usually just a problem. A big problem. And, somehow, _**her**_ problem.

She would have left it like that. Case closed. If there wouldn't have been two things that happened that there appeared the possibility of having been wrong…

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**AN:** This is the first part on Max POV. She has developed her thoughts on Alec and I'm planning on make at least another chapter on them, so don't you get too upset on the "hating" part, ok?

**Answers: **

**HeidiOh:** Thank you so much for the fedback and the suggestion. I will try to follow your advise. :)

**Subb:** Here you have Max or at least first thoughts of her, hope you enjoy it 'cause those were made for you! ;)


	4. Alec: Second chance

**Chapter IV. Alec: Second Chance**

He was not allowed to make mistakes, he should have remembered that. He'd known that since he was a child. Manticore showed them that failures were not tolerated. They were all were weapons, genetically designed weapons, and a malfunctioning weapon must be destroyed. No second chance for them.

So there was no place for insubordinate behavior, no place for questioning an order, no place for second thoughts. They were soldiers, their path was filled with discipline, obedience, loyalty… anything outside that was dismissed, pulled out by its roots, or otherwise you would be the one to be put down.

At the time the indoctrination had helped him to accomplish his missions. Allowing him to get straight to his target, do his job, and be back without a trace.

It was his job and he was proud of his successes. He was damn good in it and that was all that had mattered to them. All that had mattered to him, because he wasn't allowed to care for anything else. That was what he was trained to do. All he knew, all they have ever known.

And then, one fine day, he found himself out in the world outside Manticore. No orders to follow, no missions to fulfill, just himself. A world full of choices and him the one to make them. It was paralyzing at the beginning, but he found his way as best as he could. Failure was not an option, it had never been.

But the rules were different now. And how is he supposed to play by rules he didn't even know about? What the hell does he know about ethics and honesty? Why did it hurt so much to see disappointment in Max's eyes? Why should he give a damn about others? About her? All that might get him killed.

And she doesn't give second chances either, after all she was raised by them. She looks at him as garbage, as someone unworthy, as a waste. No matter how hard he had tried to make amends after that desperate attempt to save his life.

No, he doesn't care about no one but himself! No one! Does he?


	5. Marina

**AN:** I know, I know... We never really saw Marina on the show, but she was there having an old-fashioned throwdown with Little Suki when she found out that Alec was cheating on her (episode 2x11). Take it as my way of trashing Alec a little. After all he wasn't a saint... (even if he looks like an angel).

**Subb:** Thank you again for your support and your reviews. You've been such a wonderful reader. I'm glad I had made you think and not to be the only one who's into introspection. J About Marina, I thought Alec might got afraid of getting too close to her and that's why he cheat, throwing away any chance for them to be together. But this is only my opinion...

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**Chapter V. Marina**

He had never lied to her; she'd give him that. He was good enough with words to get his way without the need to lie. He knew what to say, when to say it and exactly how to say it to take whatever he wanted of her and, even then, never actually lie.

He never said that their relationship was exclusive, never told her that she was more than entertainment for him, and never said the important words…

She guessed it was a matter of pride for him. He is high on that too. Way too proud to use the cheap ploy to get what he wanted, to let it be part of his game.

He seems to need to play it without compromising himself. Maybe that's his twisted way of being able to look at himself in the mirror every morning. To tell himself he hasn't done anything to be ashamed of, because he had never lied.

She feels like a fool to have fallen for someone like him, a man who cheated on her and used her like a toy. Someone manipulative who's main interest is his own satisfaction. Who doesn't seem to care for anyone but himself.

And the worst part of it for her were those last days they spent together, when everything was almost perfect, like a little miracle…. She thought they were going somewhere, she thought they were connecting, that somehow he had let her into his life. But it was just a mirage, or maybe he became afraid of something that had become too real, too touchable, for him to be comfortable with it.

Whatever it was she doesn't care anymore. She doesn't want to see his face again, ever.

No, he hadn't lied. He never said "I love you." But he made her hear it in every whisper, in every caress…


	6. Logan

**JG:** Thanks so much for your review! I do agree about what you said, a character that is too good and has no failures or conflicts in him/her is majorly annoying. I guess than to feel connected with a character we all need to see him as human, and as humans we all have our bad points, without them a character is no credible. For me Alec is great just because he has his problems and tries to solve them as good as he knows, even not always succesfully.

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**Chapter VI. Logan**

Logan had always believed that people are how they are, not just because of their genetics and their environment, but most of all as the result of their own decisions. Fate had never been more than a word. Everyone is responsible of his own future…

…And an ugly past is not a free pass for everything…

He remembers how Max was when they first met, hidden, fearless, minding her own business… and how much she had changed since then. He likes to think he has something to do with it but most of all, it was already there, just needing something to hold on and be allowed to grow. She has become such a wonderful woman, someone any man would feel proud to have at his side.

Now Alec is more or less in the same position she once was. New to this crazy world, who has a pretty heavy past upon his shoulders. But that past doesn't give him the right to behave however he wanted and not face the consequences. He has to learn on by his own. But until then, he's like an armed weapon in kid's hands: Unpredictable and very dangerous.

He doesn't like the guy so much; nobody can deny he has his reasons for it. It has nothing to do with what Alec had been taught to be. He had learned with Max that as dangerous as all the Transgenics could be, in the end they are just people. Genetically enhanced people, but people nonetheless.

No, he just can't understand his ways, his lack of commitment, his self-centeredness. With all the guy has seen, with all he has been through… and most of all, with all his potential to do good… how could he remain uninvolved? How could he not care? Logan just couldn't understand that.

Sometimes Logan envies him a little. He wishes he could be as free as Alec is. No responsibilities, no problems to face, no duties to carry out…. Just a young guy in a world full of choices, full of possibilities. It must be wonderful to feel free to do whatever you want whenever you wanted.

Problem is Logan has never been like that. He had always been too conscious of his responsibilities. Somehow he has always been older than his age. Never gave himself the chance of behave carelessly, always taking the weight of the world upon his shoulders. Life would be so different for him without his sense of duty. Max sometimes, even now, doesn't understand his commitment. But he has no choice. There's nobody else who would do what he's been doing, and someone has to do it if all them want to have a future.


	7. Normal

**JG:** Thank you so much for your review. I didn't expect any as the chapter was Logan centered and people seems to hate him so much, but I was wrong and I am so glad for that. I think they came from such different backgrounds that it's hard for them to understand each other but I do believe that at the end of season 2 they were growing some kind of respect for each other, so I tried not to be so hard on Alec under Logan's POV. :)

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**CHAPTAR VII. NORMAL**

This man is awesome! Perfection on legs! Those shoulders of his, those biceps… there are no words to do him justice! In the ring he's the most wonderful fighter he has ever seen: fast and lethal. Normal just can't understand why he gave up it up. He tried to bring him back to his senses and get him to fight again, but Alec kept talking nonsense about a turning point in his life and making a new start with different objectives, of course he could find that in Jam Pony, but still…. Well, his loss is Normal's gain, because to have him following his orders everyday…. _**Wow!**_

He is such a ladies' man too, nothing surprising there. Sometimes Normal thinks that he should have known better than to let him start working at Jam Pony, such a charismatic man brings problems with the ladies at work even just breathing nearby. But he deserves any problem Alec would bring along.

Not that the women at Jam Pony could be considered in any sense ladies. His staff all are problems to him. They are no more than a bunch of unpresentable, useless and incompetent losers.

Well, all but Alec, of course. He is such a wonderful specimen of man, a real Superman (not like that guy who caught him with his guard down last year by calling him "sir"); but he can't be blamed for that either. After the Pulse everything went downhill and to hear someone to talk to him with the proper respect was such a shock. Nowadays there's no respect, no responsibility, no pride in your work, no principles…

He wishes Mr. Bush had been born in this era. What they all need is someone like him, a real hero, a real patriot, someone who wouldn't be afraid to do what must be done to stop this chaos and bring America back to what it was always supposed to be.

But what can they expect if they let that Transgenic trash to walk among them? That's just one of the many problems that plagues this society. Really, respectful citizens like him shouldn't be afraid to walk on the streets, to go to work, minding their own business. Thank God Alec is here! He feels much better knowing that he has such a marvellous man beside him!


	8. Rachel

**CHAPTER VIII. RACHEL**

She could feel his tears on her skin and his arms around her body while he held her. She would have loved to be able to hold him back, to comfort him and tell him that she had forgiven him, that he must forgive himself too and try to be happy, but she couldn't.

She doesn't blame him anymore. Somehow she now understood that he had been as much a victim as she and her father; pushed to act by his commanders, confused by those new feelings he had never experienced before and unable to recognize them until it was too late, feeling guilty for failing to save her and punished by them for not fulfilling his duty. But no matter what they could have done to him, no one could blame him as much as he blames himself. She hopes that this chance to say a last goodbye would have give him the strength to forgive himself, to let go of the sorrow that embraces him….Yes, he was a victim, still is.

Her time is almost gone now; she can feel it. She has been waiting for this moment for so long, holding onto life, knowing that somehow he will get to her and willing herself to be there for when he came. She needed this closure as much as he did and now she could rest finally.

Things should have gone differently, they could have had a future together, built a life for themselves, have a happy ending….But that wasn't their fate and she is glad to at least have had the chance to know him and to have been able to save her father's life, even if that meant giving up her own in exchange.

Her father is suffering too. It was excruciating for him to see her like this: wasting, getting closer to death day-by-day and unable to do a thing. She would like to tell him that she loves him and she is proud of him, that he always will be her dad, no matter what will happen to her. She would like to see him forgive Alec, because they both are closer than they think and both are carrying the same grief. It would be easier for them both to have someone to talk to; but she guesses that was asking too much.

No, she doesn't have any regrets, what would be the point of that anyway? Her life has been short but full. She has loved and has been loved and that was such a rare gift in life that to have any regrets seems so wrong. She is thankful that she has had the chance to feel this love, even if it was just for few weeks. Despite what happened, he gave her the chance to love, and be loved, and this will remain with her forever, no matter where she goes from here. She has been lucky, one of the lucky few. Alec and her father, they will remain here and will be the ones that will carry the pain, not her.

Alec….She knows now that's his name. It's strange to think of him as Alec, but somehow it suits him: Alec, like Alexander the Great, the young conqueror. Anyway, it doesn't matter the name he will go by, he will always be her love.

Because it _**had**_ been love. She fell for him as soon as he walked into the room, looking so serious and a little shy with those glasses he was wearing, and from that moment she was throwing herself into his arms.

She knew from the beginning he was intelligent and talented, but she found out that he was smart and funny as well, and strangely unaware of his charisma. He wasn't like any other guy she had ever met.

He was so sure of himself, so confident in some respects and, at the same time, so insecure in anything that had to do with feelings, even shy. Now she knows why: he has never been allowed to have any, that time was his first.

At the time she thought she was the naïve one, innocent and vulnerable….But that really was him, not her. She remembers she had felt him trembling in the pool when they first kissed. At the time she was so scared he might reject her that she almost didn't notice it and then dismissed it as she thought it might be because of the water. But it wasn't that, it was because of her and because that situation was more frightening for him than anything he had experienced before.

It must have been so difficult for him…not because he had to pretend to be someone else, but to realize that he was more than just a soldier, that he was a person.

She remembers how desperate he was when he finally realized what he was feeling and tried to save them. She was too upset with him and too afraid for her father to listen to him. She just slapped him and ran, never gave him the chance to explain himself….She didn't want him to have that as the last memory of her. They needed this chance for a last goodbye; and even if she isn't able to tell him she has forgiven him she hopes he could feel it. She wants him to heal and go on with his life, find someone to love and let himself be loved again, he deserves that.

She will be at peace soon and she will always look after them.


End file.
